The plan was to blog tomorrow because the last two days felt like eternity for stress and fatigue and with the weekend starting tomorrow, I would have a bit more time. The plan for tonight was to have a relaxed evening, get a bit of rest so that tomorrow I could write some interesting content. The reason why changed my mind and I am writing this while being very tired is because I started to have some dysphoria and if I don’t let go of it before I go to sleep I will not sleep very well and it only will add up tomorrow.
This is me releasing some of my anxiety! As you might know I am having my final exams and yesterday and today I had two of the eight exams meaning I stress my self out for no reason. I know I studied well but I am very scared of forgetting a stupid little detail and messing up my exam and while I am stressed out trying to review and review until the last-minute I get very tired. The problem of these exams in particular was that I had my first exam yesterday in the afternoon and the exam of today was in the morning. Which ment I didn’t get much sleep because I wanted to revise every single chapter.
The second problem I experienced was that the exam of today was an oral exam. Meaning that not only I have to wait my turn before entering the room causing a lot of stress. I also have to wear a uniform in which I really experience dysphoria and anxiety.
Some context: I go to a Nautical academy and we have mandatory outfits. There is one we wear during written exams and in class and luckily I feel really good in that one. But the second one we have to wear for oral exams and official events creates a lot of dysphoria and in combination with the stress of the exams I get anxiety and panic attacks which I obviously want to hide it from my fellow students. I pass the day in a foggy cloud trying to look fine while I am really not but since these are the school rules I have to deal with. The reason why I hide is not because I think my friends will make fun of me but because of the shame I experience making the anxiety only worse.
It is noon and I passed my exams, I am tired and feel really uncomfortable. The only thing I want is to get out of school and rush home, put some comfy cloths on, take my laptop, lay in my bed and watch YouTube and Netflix. Maybe even get some sleep. After I can calm my self down, I take a long bath and normally that would do the trick but sadly enough today it didn’t. It is 9 pm at this moment and I just feel so bad about myself. I feel bad because every oral exam I have to experience this (I have 2 oral exams and a dissertation left to do) and because I know that at this moment I really am not eating healthy and I see that I am getting fat. I just can’t deal with it. I know that I don’t have much time so I can’t go out and do some sport or invest time in making something healthy and I know that in two weeks it all be better but at this moment it just makes me feel so sad and angry at my self.
I just need some time to work on my self, get some stuff sorted out and the dysphoria will be a lot less. I only hate that it is still two weeks before I can take that time to do so.
While reading it again I noticed that this became very dark and sad. I will post it anyway because that is just the mood I have today and it is okay to have these days once in a while and I want to be honest with you guys. Tomorrow is a new day and I will make sure that there is something more fun to read but for today I will leave it at this.
Let me know what you think an I will see you tomorrow!