Being true to myself

This might be the longest and hardest post I ever will have to write and my biggest fear will be that people who know me in person will find this. Still I am going to release it for two reasons. One is for my self as a first step in the process and as a second one is that I want to release it for the you guys so it may eventually give some support in difficult times.

I already told in a previous post that I am part of the LGBT community and in this post I will go into more detail about this and how I found out. At this moment my age is 23 years and there are two parts to the story.

The first part takes us back to when I was 14 years old. I fell in love! This was a hetero  relationship which took part along with puberty. As I was happy I didn’t question much about myself. It all felt normal but a certain moment the relationship ended and as I was 17 years I started to experience some different feelings for a very close friend. We were almost always together and again I fell in love but my friend never showed interested and I left wondering…

Then at the age of 21 during summer vacation I fell again in love. We had a great same-sex relation ship and from then on I was sure. I am bi! In an attempt to be completely open about this with my surrounding my mother kinda let me down and it all froze … It hasn’t changed in the last two years. My friends know and my family doesn’t know. Except for my mother but it feels like she ignores it and want to forget it.

The second part of the story takes us back to when I was 6. For a special event I had to wear something that my parents choose but I felt really uncomfortable! After that day I sweared I would never wear similar clothing pieces and that has been fine for a long time. I could do what I wanted and play with the toys I liked and I always did what my younger sibling did who is of opposite gender…

I never felt like I belonged with the people of my current gender and always wished it could change. I felt alone for a very long time! Until recently I discovered on YouTube some really great people who showed it is possible to change and that you can lead a normal life. I learned about the concept of being trans. It took me about a year to fully understand what this ment for me and now that I finished college it feels like the best moment to discover my self again with this new information.

Yes I am trans and pre everything. Even didn’t tell anyone this because I fear bad reaction as with me coming out as bi and I fear that I have to choose between two parts that define me and I don’t know if it will change in the near future but at least I got some ideas and tricks to get started and feel a little bit more comfortable with who am I.

For a long time I was really unhappy with the way I looked and started to eat a lot mainly candy to fill the void inside me. Getting out of shape made me even more unhappy and made me eat more. This circle has been cut and from now on I am trying to change little things so I can be comfortable with my self and maybe one day I can be who I truly am!

If you have any questions, comments or just want to talk, let me know!



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